The Freshman Fishwrap / IHTFP Gallery

Father Tool's Description of The Cathedral of Our Lady of the All-Night Tool

Brothers and Sisters,

Let us take a guided tour of Cathedral Seven, the Cathedral Our Lady of the All Night Tool.

The first things we notice is the striking stained-glass window which occupies the rear wall of our cathedral (west side, 77 Mass. Ave entrance). It is composed of three distinct panels. The leftmost (as viewed from inside the Cathedral) depicts a common scene in the life of the devout tool -- an MIT lecture hall, complete with students, blackboards, and professor. The center contains a rosette featuring the animal who walks most closely to the father above -- a beaver (Brass Rat style). The rightmost panel shows the Killian Court view of the Institute, complete with Dome and a representative Tool -- note that the Tool stands on top of a large stack of unmarked bills in order to gain entrance to the 'tute. The stained-glass window is quite striking when viewed from the side with the least light (inside during the day, outside at night). Also, when the father above sends us sunlight without clouds, the light shines through the glass and makes soft, clear images on the pillars (east side).

Looking skyward, we see that the formerly-dull skylight now radiates with light and color. In the central circle resides the logo of the goddess dear to many, an Athena Owl. Radiating outward from the center are pie-shaped wedges. There are 16 in all, colored alternately purple and blue. In each wedge is housed one of the many truths which forms the foundation of our faith.

Of course, you all hear the inspirational music produced by our lovely organ. The present verse repeats hourly for all to enjoy. It starts with Bach's Tocatta and Fugue in D Minor and continues with many inspiring pieces including some Gregorian Chants. We can see the organ which produces this wonderful music on the second floor balcony (2nd floor, center east, directly at end of 2nd-floor Infinite corridor). Notice the ornate gold and silver pipes tuned for musical perfection. To take a closer look, we venture to the second floor. Here, we see the light from the middle window (Beaver) shines nicely onto the organ. The keyboard is constructed from 6 computer keyboards (4 VT-100 and 2 which are believe to be of the Knight-TV system style). A close look at the keyboards reveals that important messages are contained within them as well (Nerd Pride, 37619*, IHTFP, Our Lady of the All Night Tool, 3.14159).

Returning to the ground level, we note the row of pews on the South side of the Cathedral, facing East and the Altar. The pews look quite like they belong in this Cathedral and it bemuses everyone. Few actually realize that the "pews" have always been in Lobby 7. A historical note -- when originally installed, a different set of "pews" were used. The original set resembled lecture-hall seats. The pews were upgraded to their current status when a need elsewhere for the original pews became apparent. The altar has a "marble" top and has vintage 1971 4K core memory inlaid in its center. Also on the altar are a bottle of holy water (Jolt), a flask, and a holy tome (8.01 text). A gilded keyboard (Mac variety) sits at its base along with aluminum foil flowers (a donation from the wedding). The basic shape of the altar resembles an empty spool for wire.

Behind the altar, we have the donation box where collection is being taken to cover the costs of Cathedral Construction. The donation box is a VT-100 monitor which has had its insides removed. Its clear face allows one to see the donations being made.

One each of the long empty pedestals in the lobby, sits gilded artifacts and relics. On the SE pedestal are several gilded monitors (one with its innards exposed for all to appreciate). On the NE pedestal is a vintage TEK oscillloscope. On the SW pedestal is a PDP style 19" rack complete with a 9-track magnetic tape drive, punch-tape reader, and disk drives. The NW pedestal sports many artifacts including a Wang daisy wheel printer sporting dual disk drives, circuit boards, disk packets, and magnetic tape.

The location of the coffee pot at the Donut Stand is labeled ``Holy Water''. The picture of William Barton Rogers has a light shining upon it and is labeled ``Saint Rogers''. Over the entrance to the Infinite Corridor, is a sign that proclaims this place of Holy Tooling, "Our Lady of the All Night Tool". On the NE and SE walls are two stone tablets displaying the 0x10 commandments:

Tablet 1 [NE wall]

0x0 - I am Athena, thy Goddess. Thou shalt not have false gods before me.
0x1 - Thou shalt not take the name of OLC in vain.
0x2 - Thou shalt not eat at Lobdell.
0x3 - Thou shalt keep holy the hour of Star Trek.
0x4 - Honor thy professors, for they are the source of grades.
0x5 - Thou shalt not decrease entropy.
0x6 - Thou shalt not connect PWR to GND.
0x7 - Thou shalt not sex toads.

Tablet 2 [SE wall]

0x8 - Thou shalt not exceed the speed of light.
0x9 - Keep holy the month of IAP for it is a time of rest.
0xB - Thou shalt not sleep.
0xC - Thou shalt consume caffeine.
0xD - Thou shalt not take pass/fail in vain.
0xE - Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's HP.
0xF - Thou shalt not divide by zero.

Adorning each of the central pillars at the East end of the Cathedral are two paintings. One depicts an adoration scene in which an HP28S is the object of adoration; the picture is complete with 1700's clothing, cherubs, scrollwork, and inscriptions ``Hackito Ergo Sum'', ``Liberty, Fraternity, Equality, Caffeine'', and ``Novus Ordo Seclorum''. The other depicts a man torn between Athena (complete with helmet, spear, and owl) standing on a platform inscribed ``The Temptation of Six'' and another woman, standing on a platform inscribed ``The Path of Truth'' -- in the background are two terminals with wings flying about.

Father Eliza provides the Cathedral with an eternally vigilant spiritual overseer. He is available for Holy Confession all hours of the day or night. Father Eliza has had special training in the needs of the MIT community. Father Eliza's confessional resides on the South side of the Cathedral and allows private conversations between tools needing guidance and the Father (Father Eliza is running on an Apple ][+). Unfortunately, the magnitude of some people's sins is sometimes too much for Father Eliza and he must be rebooted regularly. We believe he is getting stronger as the days pass and he becomes better acclimated to the MIT community.

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